Pregnancy Peeved

It’s been 8 months and literally I have yet to buy maternity pants! If your thinking “wow! That’s great, she must not be gaining weight”…you’re wrong.  I have gained more than enough for two maybe three pregnant women. See, when I first got pregnant EVERY woman in this entire world felt the need to tell me just exactly when I would gain weight in my pregnancy and when I would need to be jumping into those lovely maternity pants. Most claim to LOVE them, but personally…what’s more unattractive then low wasted jeans with a foot long stretchy band cloth like thing that basically goes up to your chin?? Comfortable?? Perhaps, but if you know me you know I’m stubborn. I admit, I didn’t need such pants until about 5 almost 6 months pregnant. I made sure to squeeze into every pair of pants that I already owned before going out and spending money on ugly pants for the next four months. To me, that’s pointless.  When I could no longer squeeze into those pants (wait, maybe it was when I started popping buttons?) Well; whenever it was, I went out and bought larger sized pants…That’s right, jeans for the “curvy women”. Ha! How about that for all those that said I would be in maternity pants by month four.  Suckers.  Leggings, and “curvey women” stretchy jeans…You are my hero.

Another pregnancy pet peeve of mine - WHY is it that everyone says things like…

·         “If you haven’t gotten stretch marks yet, you will.

·         “If you haven’t gained over 25 pounds, you will.

·         “If you don’t have heart burn yet, you will.

·         “If you’re still sleeping thru the night, just wait…Your going to get so fat and uncomfortable soon that you won’t be able to sleep thru the night”

·         “If you boobs are not each separately the size of watermelons, just wait…they will be”

·         “If your feet don’t match Fred Flintstones yet, they will.

·         “Bet you don’t last past month six working on your feet all day”

·         “If your face isn’t as big as your belly yet, just wait….it will be. (Okay, maybe I made that one up but only because my face literally is as pregnant as my belly)

I just don’t understand why anyone would think that my pregnancy is going to be just like theirs.  Those types of comments are exactly what make me so stubborn.  It’s been eight months and I have yet to complain until now.  I work full time, still on my feet 8 hours a day and have yet to miss a day due to pregnancy in all of these eight months. Yes, some of these things may happen in my last month (even if it was “supposed” to happen months ago) but honestly WHY does anyone care? Sounds to me like those that went thru all those complications want every other pregnant woman to go thru the same.

There, I’m done with my pregnancy bitch fest. So, on to the funnies. So far, my pregnancy is going great! I truthfully can’t complain about anything other than getting fatter. Which I know, it’s just what happens and what comes along with it all and needs to be accepted, BUT it’s hard! You wouldn’t think putting on shoes is hard but with a massive belly like mine, I need to wake up five minutes earlier every morning! Because putting them on never fails to run me late for work.  I should probably wake up ten minutes earlier because I need an additional five minutes just to roll out of bed.  I swear the only thing that makes me move fast these days, is if a bug or spider is near me and I need to make a quit exit to the bathroom to grab my strong hold hair spray so I can freeze kill it! That’s right, it freezes them in place so my husband can come home and finish the job so I don’t have to touch those nasty little creatures.  The other thing about having a massive belly that I’m not use to is trying to fit into the places that I’m used to fitting in. Some things as simple as opening the door just enough for me and my normal size belly to fit thru, forgetting that there is more that needs to go thru now. I always hit my belly on things, trying to squeeze into my normal places. I can no longer fit between our shampoo bowls at work. The girls have to leave the end ones open for me.  If I try to fit between the shampoo bowls my belly touches one bowl and my pregnant butt touches the one behind me. This is neither cool, nor okay for the client trying to enjoy a nice shampoo in the bowl behind me.  I even accidently hit my clients with this large belly. The worst is when I have boys or men clients in my chair that are not as comfortable with pregnancy as most women. I might accidently bump their arm, and say “I’m sorry” as they lightly try to move their arm off the arm rest and slowly under the cape to hide it from another catastrophe such as my belly bumping into them again.

Well, that’s all for now! I’ll try to post a few more times before Britton comes the end of December, and keep those of you interested, updated!

Buddha Belly

It’s true; my belly is not going to get any smaller until this baby comes out. In fact, just when I think it can’t get any bigger I’m proven wrong. Every morning I wake up only to see more and more of the bedroom walls disappear by my over bearing belly. In fact, It’s the first thing I say good morning to! Although I know it sounds like it, I’m not really complaining! It’s much better than before….When I was three to four months pregnant people just thought I was getting fat. My clients would beat around the bush and say “I can’t remember, do you have any kids?” In hopes that I would tell them I was either growing a little human, or just working on my summer beer belly. I had a client come up to me…literally, TOUCH my belly and say “Is that a baby belly!!???”  For the shock factor (muhhh haha) AND for her repercussions for touching my belly… I replied “umm, no?”  She was mortified….Now that I think about it I don’t think I have seen her since.  See, when your only a few months pregnant you don’t want ANY one touching your belly. Seriously, it’s like drinking several beers, having the “beer bloat” and someone coming up to you and shaking and or touching your belly. It’s not hard, nor round and it’s very daring in that time frame to ask any girl if she is expecting.  So if you’re pregnant in that time frame, have some fun with it. I promise you “the shock factor” makes those few months go by so fast and humorously. Is that mean?

So fast, that I’m finally in the third trimester and felling better knowing that my Buddha belly finally shows that there’s a baby in there! In comparison, is it good luck to rub a pregnant woman’s belly like it is a Buddha? I can’t go anywhere...every stranger wants to rub it. I may even start charging? Unless it gets me in a closer parking space, doors held open, or in front of the grocery line quicker….Seriously, here in Atlanta crosswalks mean absolutely NOTHING to people. I use to dodge cars all the time trying to walk into stores. Now, with my special Buddha belly people will leave skid marks at the cross walk only to stop in time and let me pass.  I’m to the point where I don’t feel like I have to look before crossing... Bad idea?

Aside from all this attention, my Husband shows no mercy. Last night he parked in the furthest parking spot miles away from the restaurant where we were eating.  His book “Pregnancy sucks for men” told him to make me walk ALL the time even if it meant parking far away. Once during this pregnancy, I had the worst tale bone pain ever and for some reason I decided to lay on the floor, when I finally felt the need to get up I asked for his help. He just laughed at me! I looked like a beached whale rolling around trying to find a way to get up. See, this is where my independence bites me in the ass! Normally I can get up on my own…as a matter of fact I can do most things on my own! (ha) So, when I actually need something I’m not taken seriously. But I do only joke; he shows me a lot of mercy even when I don’t deserve it! Unless it means doing something to make  sure the baby will come out faster. Hence, parking miles away. He's been so great to me. He even bought me this HUGE pregnancy pillow (that the book told him about) that I use every night and it really helps me sleep...he may regret it now though, its literally like the great wall of China between us....

This has been a fun and hilarious time for the both of us…we spent FOUR hours registering the other day. We looked like the most clueless inadequate parents ever. I spent most of those four hours laughing and trying to figure things out. I think we may have spent an hour trying to figure out the “easy collapsible” strollers. Let me tell you, those things are NOT easy. Plus they have these breaks on them that you have to manually take off to even make the stroller move. And move it did…right over Derek’s toes, several times.

Ill be sure to keep my few readers updated on our learning progress! Especially, you momma Kaiser. See, she wants me to update my blog EVERY day, like it’s a journal. When in reality I don’t have time to write every day nor am I that interesting and if I did write every day it would be totally boring for anyone to read. Trust me!So every now and then ill be sure to keep everyone posted with several weeks in one blog!

Sincerely,

Buddha Belly

Ill start by saying im not a writer in the least bit. Nor am I a fantastic speller. Im blogging for the purpose of rambling and throwing all my thoughts onto one page to later look back on as memories. Actually, the true reason is because im VERY forgetful (ask my husband)! Im at a time in my life right now that I need to remember all the fun, exhausting, exciting things that have happened over the past few months and all of them to come.So please excuse and forgot all the grammatical and spelling errors that I promise will take place!

And so it begins....Derek and I are expecting our first baby boy in December! How did this happen? I can promise you we asked the same question! Over and over and over...

We got our very first taste of parenthood the first week in April! BUT not in a way that most of you would think. It was the week my twin sister was going to marry the love of her life in Vegas! It was April 1st, Derek and I had been up all night excitedly packing and getting ready to head to Huntsville Alabama to hop on a plane ride with the rest of the family. Letting the excitement ware off and finally asleep, It was then that I received the worst phone call I had ever received in my life from my mom...My dad is suffering a heart attack and was in an ambulance on the way to the hospital. I couldn’t get why her voice was so unbelievably calm. Was this an April fool’s joke? Had they been drinking? This is not funny in the least bit...My mom calmly said "Jessica, dad is having a heart attack." Seriously, I’m sitting up straight in bed screaming "What! He is HAVING a heart attack, Like in the middle of having one? NOT already had one?" I’m helplessly in Atlanta Georgia, four hours away. The first time anything bad is happening and I can’t be there. I won't go thru all the details of the horrible night but I will say my Dad was exceptionally lucky and did so well. Huntsville Hospital got him there so fast and perfect timing. They were so quick that they didn’t have to perform open heart surgery, only a few minor stints were put in. THANK GOD he is still with us.

My dad’s story, Jaime’s wedding and my pregnancy all relate...I promise! Because of this, my dad and mom could not be at Jaime’s wedding. Derek and myself along with my older sister and her boyfriend decided that we would take Addison (My sisters little girl) along with us. My parents were going to watch her the whole trip and since this had happened they were going to keep her back in Alabama. Jaime already has to go thru this day without my dad...having her daughter stay back and not be a part of the wedding would just add to the heart break. So here it goes, Full time parents with my three year old little niece on the way to Vegas! Not exactly what we planned...but a time we will never forget. I won't go thru the details of the trip but I have to add you in on one little detail....I bathed Addison every morning and did her hair, Derek was such an awesome help and we had a lot of fun playing parents for the most part. Even if it was in Vegas. When we returned "our" sweet child, Jaime realized something out of the ordinary. Addison’s breath smelt bad. I’m thinking, well...she was bathed every day and her hair looks good! But...she’s three years oldwhat do you expect?Its not like a three year old brushes their teeth. She later asked the glorious question..."Did you brush her teeth at all on the trip?" Derek and I just blankly looked at each other. "WAIT? Three year olds do brush their teeth?"

After the trip everyone decided we needed to be parents even if we didnt know three year olds brush teeth. WE didn’t think we needed to be parents just then. Although, we knew we would be great ones when the time came. We wanted another year before even thinking of becoming parents in the least. We love spending time together and are quite selfish with it. So having a baby soon was not an option in our selfish world. Several weeks had past...It was the weekend of our ONE year anniversary!! We had major plans to celebrate with a nice hotel, lots of whisky, a very good dinner down town and yes, more whisky. It was at dinner when I realized...This is weird I haven’t started my period. We (or the whisky) joked around that I was pregnant, because "like that would ever happen". I mean I didn’t feel pregnant as a matter of fact I even lost ten pounds. Aside from feeling tired I had no symptoms. BUT to ease our minds we decided that the next day we would take a test. ... ... ...

Sure enough, the stick revealed a positive sign. I actually wasn’t sure it was a positive to be honest. One line was really blue and the other that completed the "+" was very faint. I showed Derek and we came to conclude that we got a malfunctioning test. So I took the other one in the pack. Same thing. They both were beyond defective. I decided (to ease my mind) that I would go pick up the tests for stupid people "pregnant" or "not pregnant". I got home and tried out both of those stupid people tests...PREGNANT!!...ANOTHER defective one?? No, I walked into the kitchen showed my husband and did something most married women dont normally do, I buckled over crying scared to death. I think Derek even ran to the bathroom gagging (haha). On his mind: Finances. On my mind: The delivery. Those are very legit reasons to be scared, right? It literally took weeks for the pregnancy to set in and to realize what was actually going to happen and how much life was actually going to dramatically change.

So here we are nearing the end of the six, of the ten months. Yes, ten months. Forty weeks IS ten months. Where ever did this misconception happen?

We are expecting a little boy in December, named Britton Thomas! Now being use to the idea, we couldn’t be happier with the life changes that are about to take place. Although I was worried that Derek would never warm up to this strange thing called pregnancy (ha), he is having much more fun in the baby stores shopping, than I am! It’s heart warming to see his excitement and even better to see his eyes get large from surprise when he feels Britton Kick. This is a journey im so blessed to be going thru with Derek.